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03/07/09 07:47:26
<!-- INFURIATING ESOTERIC REMARK -->
02/07/09 21:01:34
Go on then. What are you waiting for?
02/07/09 09:16:04
There are many advantages to being dead. Being unable to read this website is one of them.
01/07/09 23:18:07
So. Did anyone's keys bend?
01/07/09 22:30:15
An enjoyable evening. Dined with Jon Kloske, took some crystal meth, and played Super Sonic Hedgehog Brothers.
01/07/09 11:02:08
July so far has been uninspiring. But I'm not prepared to write it off just yet.
30/06/09 15:39:18This morning I seriously contemplated cutting off my hands so that I wouldn't have to use iCampaign. At the time, the logistics of cutting off the second hand seemed daunting. Now I'm wishing I'd persevered.
30/06/09 09:00:19
People often say to me "Lachlan, why are you drunk all the time?" I say "Because I can afford to be."
But the other reason I drink a lot is because I'm a vegetarian. You see, the thing is that booze is always made out of vegetables. Or fruit. Or grain, or something. It's never made out of meat. If someone offered me a beef wine, or a pork martini, I would almost certainly refuse.
I'm lying. It's not true. I don't drink at all. Just mineral water. I work out in the gym 28 times a day, and I eat the odd free range organic radish becase ... I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I'M GETTING OLD AND I DON'T WANNA DIE.
29/06/09 23:37:48
On July 1, 2009 at 11pm AEST, THIS WEBSITE CAN BEND YOUR KEYS.
29/06/09 11:39:56
Welcome. This week, I intend to lose my mind.
28/06/09 22:43:21
Despondent.
27/06/09 01:33:28
Another weekend of consequence awaits.
26/06/09 04:09:16
A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. Also, bricks.
26/06/09 03:32:18
It's just me and you now, PHP. Your move.
25/06/09 17:42:11
Let the descent into madness begin!
25/06/09 08:52:04
OH MY GOD, I JUST REALISED I SPENT $30, FIFTY-TWO MONTHS AGO, TO SEE A REALLY CRAP SHOW ... BUT ONLY $10, LAST NIGHT, TO SEE A REALLY GOOD ONE.
24/06/09 23:47:38
Mmmm. Mysterious!
24/06/09 16:31:39
Time for a slice of mystery pie.
24/06/09 00:46:02
Fuck you, JavaScript. I will tear your guts out and stamp on your colon.
23/06/09 23:52:11
Tonight was more less a carbon copy of March 13, 2003. If you remember that evening as well as I do, then there's really not much point in me describing it. The only significant difference was that this time around, it was shrink wrapped in a nice protective layer of don't even think about it.
I anticipate that tomorrow night will feature packages of an entirely different nature.
23/06/09 17:22:19On a not entirely unrelated note, JFK turned up this. Thanks, Kloske. Thloske.
23/06/09 17:14:22"Of course, we can't blame social workers for all society's ills, but this much is true: they're all a bunch of namby-pamby vegetarian do-gooders who make you want to throw up." -- Alexie Sayle
22/06/09 23:56:03
WHISKEEEEY!
20/06/09 14:15:02
Must find more suitable host body.
18/06/09 23:49:21
Which would you prefer?
cake (5 votes) - 4%
pie (11 votes) - 9%
kryz (108 votes) - 87%
It's official - kryz ams teh win!
A new poll is now online. I'm particularly anxious to find out which way the public is swinging on this important issue, so please cast your votes.
17/06/09 23:34:23
I am Jack's carefully-rehearsed machinations.
16/06/09 00:17:27
The Threshold of Wrong
<Dewi> Giving people money for writing PHP is a bit like paying for child porn
<Dewi> Sure, it's not you committing the horrendous abuses
<Dewi> But you're supporting the whole sordid industry
<Kewn> What would you say if I told you I'm building a child porn site in PHP?
<Dewi> Well, first I'd say, "Two twisted unforgiveable wrongs don't make a twisted unforgiveable right!"
<Dewi> Then I'd ask you to drop either the PHP or the child abuse
<Dewi> Both is beyond the pale.
15/06/09 16:41:50
All work and no play makes Lachlan far more inclined to murder the wife and two daughters he doesn't have, but someday might.
12/06/09 09:03:12
Dr Watson is a fucking quack.
11/06/09 00:49:00
New photos online.
10/06/09 00:38:41
Dapper little flower.
08/06/09 19:15:10
If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, shoot it.
05/06/09 21:12:18
Let the Pizza-Off begin!
04/06/09 08:14:21
Have you heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The steak is excellent.
03/06/09 22:22:00
And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges. And cheesecake.
02/06/09 23:05:56
To Eternal Life
<Carmelynne> I had hoped one day to sleep with as many people as I am years old
<Carmelynne> Now all I need to do is keep my cunt in my pants and live to 217
<Carmelynne> I think that with modern medicine on my side, I may have success.
01/06/09 23:08:44
The great disparity between my conscious and unconscious minds has been reconciled at last.
29/05/09 23:55:27
Summer's lease can fellate me.
28/05/09 23:57:16
Angela Pascoe once drowned a puppy. True story.
27/05/09 23:41:53
It's getting late. Time for some powerful barbiturates ... and heroin.
26/05/09 23:45:38
I've been at three social functions in the last three months where a complete stranger has identified me as "that guy who used to run that cult." It's starting to make me uneasy.
25/05/09 23:39:34
Five roads diverge in a yellowish wood.
21/05/09 15:24:01
I have a plan, and my plan has wheels. Rusty, sexy wheels.
18/05/09 21:30:59
To dig in the past is forbidden. Yet I've been doing an unholy amount of it in the last few weeks.
17/05/09 20:45:32
Begins. So. And. It.
16/05/09 23:27:13
Here's to 5 miserable days on the wagon ... and all the irreparable damage it's caused me.
15/05/09 18:46:19
Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.
... oh so inwardly.
14/05/09 23:24:32
The only good lentil is a dead lentil.
13/05/09 13:11:47
Fact: Pork is nature's sedative. That's why pigs are always fast asleep.
12/05/09 20:00:00
HAHA, I WAS JUST FUNNING WITH YOU!
11/05/09 23:46:11
I am Ambassador Phantom from the planet Krankor.
I will arrive tomorrow night at precisely 8 o'clock.
At that time I will make my wishes known to you.
You will obey them .... or die.
08/05/09 00:16:57
I can't get the theme song to Rape an Ape out of my head.
07/05/09 08:04:31
I'm pretty sure Dewi just assumed I was joking when I revealed back in March that I have been impersonating him on MySpace for 8 months. Such presumption, I fear, shall ultimately be his undoing.
06/05/09 07:18:47
I LOVE YOU, KITCHEN GUN!
05/05/09 21:26:20
New Job, Day 1
Found some erotic fiction about the company directors on the internal wiki. I think I might like working at this place.
05/05/09 08:10:17
Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho.
04/05/09 14:27:38
"This is so unrealistic."
-- L. Truan, 25 minutes into WALL·E (2008)
03/05/09 09:38:42
One search ends, another begins.
01/05/09 22:55:38
So. It appears that bacon has found a new way to kill us.
28/04/09 23:31:14
Vulnerant omnes, ultima necat.
17/04/09 11:55:56
Hello friends,
I'd like to invite anyone who is unoccupied today around to The Temple for a luncheon, where we shall engage in wisecracks, wordplay and witticisms that, through the newspaper columns of The Australian, will ultimately be disseminated across the nation.
Come on, it'll be fun. Every man and his dog† will be there!
Fond regards,
Lachlan Irrumatius Kuhn
† NO DOGS
16/04/09 02:15:26
THE POWER OF KLOSKE COMPELS ME.
15/04/09 10:28:05
And on the second day, Kortekaas said "Let there be employment."
14/04/09 15:40:17
I've decided to put Splunge in caretaker mode, while I search for employment. I think we can all agree that it's for the best.
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